Not as We (English translation)
by MelimeGreenleaf
Summary: Peter would have to start over again, start his life again. But this time without the people he loved.


To maintain the integrity of their timeline, he had to die at that frozen lake, as he should have died the first time. For the Observers, it wasn't anything important, just another life that disappeared before their eyes. Except for one: the cause of all problems, who created the first time defect. He wasn't able to accept the weight of that death, he had to do something. And so when he should erase Peter from history, he failed again.

How much suffering generated by just one mistake! The ghost of what no longer existed was trapped, seeking help without knowing how, disturbing false versions of those he loved. Walter thought he had gone mad and Olivia had her dreams invaded by a stranger. He wasn't the Walter who crossed all ethical barriers to return a child to the world of which he had stolen him, he was the Walter that nearly destroyed two worlds to save a single life and had to lose his son twice before his eyes. She wasn't the Olivia he met that one day when little Peter was terrified and fled into a field of flowers or that slowly learned to open her heart after decades of suffering, she was the adoptive daughter of Nina so subtly, yet so obviously the eyes of Peter, was different from his beloved.

Peter asked for help in the only way he could and, for a moment, for just a wonderful moment, his Olivia and the other were the same. At that moment, when she saved him, the problems that should end only got worse, because he was rescued into a world where nothing of what he knew existed, he was rescued into a world where he should have died long ago.

Reborn and shivering

Spat out on new terrain

Unsure, unconvincing

This faint and shaky hour

That lake, Peter was born again. The confusion took hold of his mind, he didn't know what had happened or where he was. For a moment, he thought he had returned home, but then he realized with a shudder that it was in a totally different world. The Olivia who visited him and didn't know who he was wasn't his Olivia, his girlfriend, his partner, his lover, his great love, his only comfort since before he could remember. No, he didn't know the woman who saved him, he knew few details about her, but didn't know her. She was as different from her as the Olivia that was the mother of the son who he never met and who now no longer existed, and he wouldn't make the same mistake again. He almost lost his great love for ignoring the details and wouldn't be guided by appearances and ignore the details again.

He would find a way back home, he needed to figure out how to get back to the world in which he belonged. He knew he needed to make a sacrifice to save those he loved, but this was more than he could bear. He lost everything he once loved and was dead, but was still surrounded by constant reminders of everything that he ever had. It was so confusing! Being treated like a terrorist, an experiment, an anomaly, a problem, a test, like a piece out of place...

He had faced many challenges: with Olivia and Walter he saved many lives and prevented the end of the world, he saw his future with his beloved after the end of the world and traveled between two worlds, suffered for loving another woman just because she was almost the one that he loved, he faced death in many forms and saw unimaginable things. And nothing could have prepared him to live in this world.

Day one, day one

Start over again

Step one, step one

I'm barely making sense for now

I'm faking it till I'm pseudo making it

From scratch begin again but this time "I" as "I"

And not as "we"

After all, he was still necessary. He had unique expertise and couldn't be maintained forever trapped in a room of which he could easily escape if it was his desire. His first day of work, he needed to start over, not knowing if he wanted to recreate the relationships that had or simply get the help he needed to get home. It was only when he met this Walter, the Walter who lost his son twice, that he was able to truly understand the suffering of his father. Now he knew how important he was for him.

He had to start somewhere, so he decided to go back to work. He wouldn't worry too much about the rest now. He was just pretending that he understood what was happening, it was too complicated even for him. Without Walter, he wouldn't be able to return to a world that made sense. If he couldn't go back, he would pretend he belonged there until the day he could be a pseudo-member of that team.

He was starting all over again, winning the trust of everyone again, other than Walter. And now he knew he would always be alone, there wouldn't be a "we". Not only it wouldn't exist a "Peter and Olivia", but also there wouldn't be the "we" that was his "Fringe Division". Try as he might, and he didn't know if he would try, he would never truly part of that group. While there he would always be alone.

Gun shy and quivering

Timid without a hand

Feign brave with steel intent

Little and hardly here

He realized he was different when he didn't care about hearing Olivia's partner talk so passionately about her. He felt nothing about her except some regret because she remembered him of the one he loved.

He disguised his suffering with his obstinacy, but the truth was that he wasn't back. It was as if he wasn't there, but also wasn't anywhere else. It was only a small and insignificant intrusive in that world, and their presence was hardly noticed. He had almost no importance now that the machine had fulfilled its purpose.

Day one, day one

Start over again

Step one, step one

With not much making sense just yet

I'm faking it till I'm pseudo making it

From scratch begin again but this time "I" as "I"

And not as "we"

Starting over was so hard! When he thought for a moment that things had returned to normal, something happened to remind him that it wasn't his place. Nothing made sense. He would continue pretending, but only because he had no other choice.

Eyes wet toward

Wide open frayed

If God's taking bets

I pray He wants to lose

He was crying, unable to sleep. The morning wore on and now he knew what he should do. He couldn't wait for Walter's help. A terrible thought crossed his mind: perhaps his world had been destroyed to make room for this other timeline. Thinking of his Olivia dead made him want to quit. And then he remembered that for everyone else it was as if she had never existed, worse yet, for everyone else she actually never existed.

He began writing on one wall, a board wouldn't have enough for the calculations that he need to do, maybe not even all the walls of the house would have enough space. He would return to the place to which he belonged, even if it was only to die with the rest of his world. He remembered when his conscience jumped to a post-apocalyptic future. That almost dead world was preferable to where he was now because they still existed.

He should call that Observer, ask to be taken back, but he knew that that wasn't how things worked. If no one would help, he would find himself a way to do the impossible.

Day one, day one

Start over again

Step one, step one

I'm barely making sense just yet

I'm faking it till I'm pseudo making it

From scratch begin again but this time "I" as "I"

And not as "we"

He didn't want to start all over again. He couldn't bear to live alone after so long fighting to finally abandon his solitude. They were alike, he and Olivia, both spent too much time alone, trying to spare their feelings. He wouldn't accept losing everything he held most dear. With a shudder, he realized that the only way back was risking this world, and he would do that without even blink. He knew he was one step closer to understanding his father. Now he knew what it was to have a large enough love to make not only a sacrifice, but being able to sacrifice the lives of billions of people. And he wasn't horrified by it.

* * *

This story is a translation from Portuguese, it was originally written in January 2012, so while Peter still believed in his need to find his own timeline. Also posted on AO3 (link in my profile). Obviously based on the song Not as We by Alanis Morisette.


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